I have vivid memories of my childhood. One of them being that I had a natural curiosity about everything in the world. I would drive my parents crazy with my why questions...why is the sky blue? Why do the leaves change colors? Why do bees sting? To the point where my father finally bought me a series of children’s books called Tell Me Why.
I spent hours reading them. I found the answers to all my questions and many that I didn’t know to ask yet. And as an adult I find I am no different. I still ask the why questions. Partly because I still have a natural curiosity about things, but mostly because things have to make sense to me.
Throughout this past year and for much of my adult life I have thought long and hard about my faith, about God, about my life and it’s meaning and purpose. I have grown up attending Christian churches so I have been influenced by the Christian faith.
I have tried desperately to fit into this community. I sent my kids to a Christian high school, attended numerous bible studies and many churches, all in an effort to understand the Christian faith, the Christian God.
I generally assumed that because I struggled with so much of what I was taught that that meant my faith was weak. I was frustrated when I would ask questions about things that didn’t make sense to me and heard the response “some things are just a mystery, they can’t be explained.”
I have tried to accept that response, tried to “let go and let God”. Tried to ignore the nagging questions and doubts, but I simply can’t do it anymore. There are so many things about this Christian belief system that simply don’t make sense to me. The inconsistencies in the bible, the miracle stories, the fact that God would send his Son to be brutally tortured and murdered on the cross and I’m supposed to accept that as a sign of God’s love for us. Really?
So I wonder…why do I feel the need to believe things that don’t make sense to me? Why do I try so desperately to be a good, faithful, and devout Christian when so much of it seems to go against my own worldview?
My relationship with God is defined by my questions so I will continue to ask them until I find the answers that make sense. Because perhaps it’s not a lack of faith that causes me such anxst, perhaps it’s that I’m walking in a direction I was never intended to go.