I have vivid memories of my childhood. One of them being that I had a natural curiosity about everything in the world. I would drive my parents crazy with my why questions...why is the sky blue? Why do the leaves change colors? Why do bees sting? To the point where my father finally bought me a series of children’s books called Tell Me Why.
I spent hours reading them. I found the answers to all my questions and many that I didn’t know to ask yet. And as an adult I find I am no different. I still ask the why questions. Partly because I still have a natural curiosity about things, but mostly because things have to make sense to me.
Throughout this past year and for much of my adult life I have thought long and hard about my faith, about God, about my life and it’s meaning and purpose. I have grown up attending Christian churches so I have been influenced by the Christian faith.
I have tried desperately to fit into this community. I sent my kids to a Christian high school, attended numerous bible studies and many churches, all in an effort to understand the Christian faith, the Christian God.
I generally assumed that because I struggled with so much of what I was taught that that meant my faith was weak. I was frustrated when I would ask questions about things that didn’t make sense to me and heard the response “some things are just a mystery, they can’t be explained.”
I have tried to accept that response, tried to “let go and let God”. Tried to ignore the nagging questions and doubts, but I simply can’t do it anymore. There are so many things about this Christian belief system that simply don’t make sense to me. The inconsistencies in the bible, the miracle stories, the fact that God would send his Son to be brutally tortured and murdered on the cross and I’m supposed to accept that as a sign of God’s love for us. Really?
So I wonder…why do I feel the need to believe things that don’t make sense to me? Why do I try so desperately to be a good, faithful, and devout Christian when so much of it seems to go against my own worldview?
My relationship with God is defined by my questions so I will continue to ask them until I find the answers that make sense. Because perhaps it’s not a lack of faith that causes me such anxst, perhaps it’s that I’m walking in a direction I was never intended to go.
Hello stranger.
ReplyDeleteYou know you don't have to have all the answers to blog here. Your journey is a great part of your appeal. As is your honesty, integrity and openness.
I think to have these questions is absolutely the right thing. Any path followed blindly can not lead anywhere good.
Surely the truth felt in your heart supersedes the words of mere men.
In my opinion, religions are man made. They are open to interpretation, bias and personal histories. There is no way any one answer can be all correct.
I think you are a wise and wonderful woman. Your connection to the higher power (whatever it may be) is inspirational.
Keep writing. We've missed you.
Dear Deborah, I echo Annabelle's first two paragraphs and know that your absolute honesty is refreshing. You are searching, not pretending you have all the answers. There is no shame in that.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion varies somewhat toward the end of your post though. I think that the direction you are going in is one that we are all intended at some point to go in. Perhaps the angst is caused because you are seeking the truth of something that is entirely at odds with the world we live in and that is a very difficult thing to reconcile. You could say it is the most unnatural thing to seek if you are judging by the world's standards. Faith does not make sense. From our narrow perspective, neither does God or the Bible at times.
Keep asking and in a way, fight for faith if you can. It isn't something that comes easily sometimes, it comes after searching and well, even then, it's a life long journey. I think these questions are constructive. I think if you ask them open to receiving truth, you will find what you are intended to find my friend. :)
Thinking of you. xx