There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A Moment to Reflect

Just over one year ago, I sat with a martini in hand and reflected on my life.  Or rather what had become of my life.  I looked at my house, my kids, my husband.  All things I wanted and yet there was a sense of sadness within me that I couldn’t explain.  Why was I unhappy? I had everything I wanted but I reached a point where I was just getting through.  Just going through the motions. And the only thing keeping me going was my evening cocktail.

So I made a deal with God.  God, I said, I don’t seem to be handling my life that well.  If you think you can do a better job, have at it.  And in return I will give up alcohol for one year. 

Well that year has come and gone, and I lived up to my end of the bargain.  Not once did an alcoholic drink pass through my lips.  And as I reflect on my life, I am happier, more content and I feel more fulfilled. I have taken on many new activities. I have challenged myself and stepped outside my comfort zone.  But something continued to elude me.

I was convinced that at some point throughout this year I would hear from God. I was sure I would get a sign, something that I knew for sure came directly from the Heavens above.  I didn’t know what that sign would be, but I knew that when it came, there would be no question that it was from God.

So I waited, and I watched, and I continued to fill my life with non alcohol related activities. I met new people, I saw new things, went new places.  I even traveled by plane all the way to Norway.  But even as I stood amidst the breathtaking landscape of this incredible country, God remained silent. No whisper, no voice in my ear, no unmistakable sign that, yes, He is with me.

I used to believe that my life was already mapped out.  That God had a plan for me and my life and I spent most of my life searching for that plan. But now as I sit here on New Year’s Day, thinking ahead to all the things I want to accomplish…the places I still want to go, the things I still want to do with my life, I feel as though my life belongs to me. 

Right or wrong, good or bad, my life and my choices are mine.  Nobody else, including God, is responsible for telling me what to do or how to live my life.  Finding my happiness rests with me and me alone.  So I will embrace this new found knowledge as I look ahead to 2012 and I will create the life I want.  

Perhaps that’s what God wanted for me all along…

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