Perfection to a Fault

My father-in-law said something interesting to me today.   He said “Deb, you need to stop overthinking everything.  It’s not possible to be a perfect wife or perfect mom so stop trying so hard.  Just let you be you. Relax and have some fun.”

I have been thinking about that comment all day.

I mean, he’s right.  I rarely just blurt out a comment or allow myself to feel an emotion without giving careful consideration to whether I should say what’s on my mind or allow myself to feel what I am feeling.

I am not spontaneous. I analyze and consider, giving special attention to the person or people I am with so as to predetermine their reaction to anything I might say or do.  Then if I believe I will be met with a favorable response, I will say what’s on my mind.

It’s rather exhausting, I must say.  I’m tired.  Mentally drained.  It’s very difficult to try to guess how others  will respond to what I say and do.  It takes tremendous concentration, which of course, takes me out of the moment.  And sucks the joy out of any activity.

Today was my niece’s graduation party.  I wanted to relax and enjoy myself while visiting with her and her family, but I was tense.  I thought I was hiding it well, but judging by my father-in-law’s comment, it must have been written all over my face that my wheels were spinning. 

And I realized while sitting there, that I missed drinking.  When I drink, that is just about the only time I am not carefully considering my every thought.  It is very freeing to have a little buzz and let my guard down.  I was hoping as this non-drinking year progressed that I would learn to have fun without alcohol…I’m starting to wonder if that’s possible.