My father-in-law said something interesting to me today. He said “Deb, you need to stop overthinking everything. It’s not possible to be a perfect wife or perfect mom so stop trying so hard. Just let you be you. Relax and have some fun.”
I have been thinking about that comment all day.
I mean, he’s right. I rarely just blurt out a comment or allow myself to feel an emotion without giving careful consideration to whether I should say what’s on my mind or allow myself to feel what I am feeling.
I am not spontaneous. I analyze and consider, giving special attention to the person or people I am with so as to predetermine their reaction to anything I might say or do. Then if I believe I will be met with a favorable response, I will say what’s on my mind.
It’s rather exhausting, I must say. I’m tired. Mentally drained. It’s very difficult to try to guess how others will respond to what I say and do. It takes tremendous concentration, which of course, takes me out of the moment. And sucks the joy out of any activity.
Today was my niece’s graduation party. I wanted to relax and enjoy myself while visiting with her and her family, but I was tense. I thought I was hiding it well, but judging by my father-in-law’s comment, it must have been written all over my face that my wheels were spinning.
And I realized while sitting there, that I missed drinking. When I drink, that is just about the only time I am not carefully considering my every thought. It is very freeing to have a little buzz and let my guard down. I was hoping as this non-drinking year progressed that I would learn to have fun without alcohol…I’m starting to wonder if that’s possible.