There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Saturday, June 18, 2011

You've Come A Long Way, Baby...

My favorite job growing up was babysitting for the kids who lived across the street from me.  Their mom was the coolest lady around.  She was tall and pretty . She dressed very fashionably and she always had a Kool Menthol cigarette nestled casually between her fingers.  By all standards, she was sophisticated.

I couldn’t wait to be in my 40’s so I could be as cool and confident as my neighbor.  I thought that with age all of my insecurities would naturally fade away.  I wouldn’t care what other people thought of me. I wouldn’t be thinking about what I wanted to do with my life because I would be doing it, and I would be enjoying life to the fullest. 

But now I’m in my 40’s and I don’t feel as though I’m living up to the image of the lady I thought I would become.  I still have insecurities, I still care far too much what other’s think and now I’m wishing I was young again.  I think about the things I would have done differently if I had paid more attention to what I wanted and not followed the script.

What would my life be like now if I had taken that year to live in a big city before I got married?  What would my life be like now if I had chosen to continue to work after my kids were born?  What would my life look like now if I had insisted that my husband take that job in that other state so I could experience something new?

I will never know the answers to those questions because those are not the decisions I made.  So I have a choice.  I can continue to live with what if’s and regrets, or I can be thankful for all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. 

Which, come to think of it, actually looks an awful lot like the life of the lady that I have admired for all these years.  The only difference, as far as I can tell, are the ultra cool, Kool cigarettes.

Damn...I think I picked the wrong crutch…


  1. When my domestic chains feel too tight I think back on my life and my experiences pre domesticity. It helps.

    But I am a big believer that we walk the path we are meant to walk in order to learn the lessons we will need to make it through.

    I can't help but to wonder, if your birds have left the nest...what's to stop you from making some major changes? 40s are the new 30s after all.

  2. Hi Annabelle, my birds haven't quite left the nest so major changes are not quite possible yet. but maybe some minor changes now that I have more free time than I ever did :) I am working on it....