My favorite job growing up was babysitting for the kids who lived across the street from me. Their mom was the coolest lady around. She was tall and pretty . She dressed very fashionably and she always had a Kool Menthol cigarette nestled casually between her fingers. By all standards, she was sophisticated.
I couldn’t wait to be in my 40’s so I could be as cool and confident as my neighbor. I thought that with age all of my insecurities would naturally fade away. I wouldn’t care what other people thought of me. I wouldn’t be thinking about what I wanted to do with my life because I would be doing it, and I would be enjoying life to the fullest.
But now I’m in my 40’s and I don’t feel as though I’m living up to the image of the lady I thought I would become. I still have insecurities, I still care far too much what other’s think and now I’m wishing I was young again. I think about the things I would have done differently if I had paid more attention to what I wanted and not followed the script.
What would my life be like now if I had taken that year to live in a big city before I got married? What would my life be like now if I had chosen to continue to work after my kids were born? What would my life look like now if I had insisted that my husband take that job in that other state so I could experience something new?
I will never know the answers to those questions because those are not the decisions I made. So I have a choice. I can continue to live with what if’s and regrets, or I can be thankful for all the wonderful things that I do have in my life.
Which, come to think of it, actually looks an awful lot like the life of the lady that I have admired for all these years. The only difference, as far as I can tell, are the ultra cool, Kool cigarettes.
Damn...I think I picked the wrong crutch…