There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Facing A Crossroad

Its been 4 days since my last post.  I’m pretty much a daily blogger so that is a little unusual for me.  I’m sitting here trying to figure out why.  I could say that I have been very busy.  One of my two college kids came home this week.  That generates extra work for me.  More laundry, more grocery shopping, etc.  And it was senior banquet on Friday.  Also a very busy day to prepare for. 

But I always blog.  I always have something to say about something.  So is it that I have worked out all my issues?  I do tend to use my blog as my place to do that.  A way to release what is weighing on my heart and my mind.  Once it’s here, it doesn’t seem to have the same power over me.  Yes, that’s it. I have no more issues to discuss.  Life is perfect.

Oh how I wish that were true…

No, I think it’s really a question of how much more do I share.  Do I really want to share every last piece of me.  The parts of me that are buried so deep, that so truly have come to define who I am and how I view myself, that I’m not sure if I even want to release them. 

There is still a place I run to when I feel intimidated and insecure.  A place where the walls never quite come down all the way. I will show you just enough to make sure that you still like me, because to reveal everything would surely change your opinion.  And I care what other’s think of me.  And I hate that I care so much. 

So I could blog instead about my daily activities, the senior banquet, my date with my husband last night.  I could tell you I mowed the lawn yesterday, hosted the after party for the seniors and went to dance class yesterday.  Or I could paraphrase what the pastor spoke of in church this morning.

Or I could go deeper, knock the walls flat to the ground, show you my hiding place and run the risk that you decide you really don’t like me after all.  Do I have the strength to do that?  Time will tell…


  1. I think each one of have these feelings whether here in the blog world or in real life...if you really knew all of "it" would you still like me? Many of us fear to some extent of being judged, not being liked or people turning away from us because of something that they find out about their junk...I too, care way too much about what other's think of me and don't like that about myself.

    We all have junk...there are those that hide it and pretend they don't have any...there are those that really don't care and let it all hang out...and there are most of us, somewhere in between. We all have our "walls" that we hide behind...some of us have higher walls then others...some of us are really good at revealing only so much.

    The thing is don't we all know that everyone has their "secrets",or their own junk to hide? I happen to like people and their junk...I like knowing I am not the only one with an unpretty past or that makes mistakes or heaven forbid that I am not the only sinner that walks on this earth.

    Often, when I have decided in my head that others will not accept me if they knew this or that, I have closed off myself to the grace that others may have for me. When I have taken the risk of revealing who I am, my secrets or a part of my junk, I have been blown away by the grace given to me. Yes, there have been those that have judged me but it is nothing comparrison to those that have shown me nothing but love and grace.

    There was a time I read blogs that contained mostly superfiscial stories and nothing about the person and who they really are, so eventually I found my way away from them. I like real, even if it's not so pretty. I like knowing the real person, not just what they had for supper or what they bought shopping.

    All of this to say, bring it on...tell me your junk or your secrets that you keep behind walls and I promise you I will still be here...I promise that love and grace will greet you. You are real Deb...I've read it in each one of your posts...this is what attracts me to your place.

    Love and hugs to you my friend. XX

  2. I like you. I unconditionally like you.:)

  3. Its funny, isn't it...we make friends here because we are "putting it out there" and at first, when we're all strangers, its oh so easy. But the openness draws the moths to our flame. Strangers quickly become friends, people to impress.

    And suddenly, the place where our insides poured out through our fingertips without thought or censor, is now among the places waiting with expectations.

    Your humanity, your realness, your journey these are the things that matter. Coincidentally those are also the reasons reading you is a treasure.

    I hope that telling you now, that I will be here no matter what you write, would be redundant.


  4. Lori, I guess sometimes I don't think everyone has "junk". Other people seem like they have it all going on, ya know? But i suppose you are right. And i appreciate that you took the time to write all that. I read it over several times.
    Colleen, I've been having fun getting to know you better through your FB page. You and I would definitely hang out if we lived near each other!
    Annabelle, I couldn't have said it better myself. You really understand what I'm feeling. Like all of a sudden I have followers, people who I think now have expectations and its causing me to think a few seconds longer before posting. Hmmmm...
    You have all given me a lot to think about, but thanks so much. All your comments mean so much! :)