According to the Christian faith, Jesus died on the cross for me. Taking my sins upon Him he made the ultimate sacrifice so I could have fellowship with God. And all I have to do is accept this gift. It sounds so beautiful and so simple. But I believe there is a fine print. I do not believe that it is enough to just accept this gift of grace and leave it at that. I believe acceptance of this gift also requires me to follow Him. And I don’t find that to be a simple thing at all.
That’s not to say I never do what Jesus would do, but some days I’m tired, so I would rather just sleep in than get up and make breakfast for everyone. Some days, I would rather go shopping at the mall, rather than pledge a little bit more to church this year, and some days I’m just cranky so I swear under my breath (and sometimes not under my breath) at the driver who just cut me off, rather than be gracious and let it go.
When I stand before God in all his glory and review my life, will he be disappointed? Will he say why did you ignore that homeless person on the street? Will he say did you really need that new car or was your old one working just fine? Will he say why did you complain about having no time for yourself when your kids were small, did you not realize they were my gift to you?
I have made a lifetime of mistakes, which is ok if I learn from them, but I find myself sitting in church, every Sunday, asking for forgiveness of my sins, the same ones I asked Him to forgive last week and the week before. So as my days move onward toward my judgement day, I wonder…has my constant seeking and searching and questioning been about convincing myself there is a God? Or am I trying to convince myself there isn’t one.