There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Darker Side of Faith

     According to the Christian faith, Jesus died on the cross for me. Taking my sins upon Him he made the ultimate sacrifice so I could have fellowship with God.  And all I  have to do is accept this gift.  It sounds so beautiful and so simple.  But I believe there is a fine print.  I do not believe that it is enough to just accept this gift of grace and leave it at that. I believe acceptance of this gift also requires me to follow Him. And I don’t find that to be a simple thing at all. 

      That’s not to say I never do what Jesus would do, but some days I’m tired, so I would rather just sleep in than get up and make breakfast for everyone.  Some days, I would rather go shopping at the mall, rather than pledge a little bit more to church this year, and some days I’m just cranky so I swear under my breath (and sometimes not under my breath) at the driver who just cut me off, rather than be gracious and let it go.

      When I stand before God in all his glory and review my life, will he be disappointed?  Will he say why did you ignore that homeless person on the street?  Will he say did you really need that new car or was your old one working just fine?  Will he say why did you complain about having no time for yourself when your kids were small, did you not realize they were my gift to you?

     I have made a lifetime of mistakes, which is ok if I learn from them, but I find myself sitting in church, every Sunday, asking for forgiveness of my sins, the same ones I asked Him to forgive last week and the week before.  So as my days move onward toward my judgement day, I wonder…has my constant seeking and searching and questioning been about convincing myself there is a God? Or am I trying to convince myself there isn’t one.


  1. Such honest searching won't disappoint God. You seem to be in a phase of seeking right now, reaching out and trying to live life to the best of your ability.

    I don't personally believe that when we stand before God someday He will be disappointed in us. I believe we will feel the outpouring of His absolutely perfect love for us and perhaps we will be shown ways we could have been better or done things differently but it will be done out of sheer love and we will understand everything God wants us to.

    Right now, all we can do is earnestly seek.

    Have a lovely day Deborah.

    Love you stalker, Colleen ;)

  2. lol...hi Colleen! I also wonder about the whole "judgment day" thing too. In my head I have many thoughts about God, but unfortunately the messages i heard when I was very young from well meaning friends have been the ones that are so ingrained in me its hard to overcome them. Even so many years later.
    I hope you have a great day too!