There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Monday, March 14, 2011

Lent Day Six - A New Dialog

     I am a bit of a control freak. I like things done my way and on my time frame. So last night when I was ready to turn out the lights and go to bed I was mildly disturbed that my husband was using my computer and I wanted everything off before I could sleep.

     The dialog went like this…

     “Are you finished? I would like to shut the computer down and go to sleep.”
     “Yea in a minute, I’m watching something.”
     (1 minute pause)
     “Well, how long is it going to take?”
     “I don’t know.”
     (1 minute pause)
     “Just ‘cuz I’m really tired.”

     I could feel the tension in my body rising. Not because I really needed to turn the lights off in that moment but because I was not getting my way.   But just as I was about to berate him for being inconsiderate, I heard a voice in my head.  A voice that reminded me about the words I had read earlier that day in my Bible about patience and kindness.

     Those are not the words that usually come to my mind when I think of God.   The God I knew was full of vengeance. Hellfire and damnation kept me from loving Him at all. By continuing to fear God, I could easily dismiss Him. Especially when He was asking me to do something I didn’t want to do, like put someone else’s needs before my own.

     But lately, the messages have been different. As I read my Bible I am getting to know a different God. One that loves me, that forgives me, one that accepts me right where I am.  And I can’t dismiss this God.

     So I resisted the urge to start an argument,  not to gain favor with God, or because I would in any way benefit, but for what may be the first time in my life, I simply wanted to do what Jesus would do.


  1. I am so glad that you are getting to know who God really is. He is so very loving and so very merciful and compassionate and kind. When the Bible uses the world "fear" God; it doesn't imply fear as in "afraid" like we might fear snakes or spiders, etc but it means revere him, respect him, hold him in the highest of awe, adore him, value him for who he is GOD! Creator, Restorer, Redeemer, etc.

    enjoy the day!


  2. It's true, Deborah. It's just spiritually refreshing to see someone who's a real person talking about the glory and realness of their faith, such as yourself.

    I think the biggest mistake some in the Christian community makes is telling people God's at this huge standard, making him untouchable, when the truth is God loves us just as we are--flaws and all. He does want us to live as close as we possibly can and obey His never-changing word, but it's good to know that as long as we believe in Him, we are an heir of God, just like the Bible said.

    Thank you for showing your faith. God bless you.

  3. Sometimes I have the same battles you mentioned. I am not long on patience,but am trying harder. I am following your blog, you are welcome to follow mine as well. Blessings jane

  4. Hi Betty, I am actually quite excited about my journey right now. I know what you are saying about the way the Bible refers to the word "fear" but my negative associations are from people who chose to focus on the Hell message with me vs the love message. And over the years that's what I internalized. I could never understand people who claimed to love Jesus. It all felt so false and forced to me. I feel as if each day though my heart is changing. I am finally receiving the truth about who He really is but not just intellectually but really understanding Him from somewhere deep within.
    Favorite Things Guy: Btw, I checked your website, do you go by EJ? I have never felt comfortable in the Christian community. They always seemed so well behaved and they talked in ways I couldn't comprehend.I used to call it crazy Godspeak. I always felt they would not accept me if they knew all my faults and I didn't want to conform to what I saw as the list of requirements to become a Christian. Unfortunately I made the mistake of judging Jesus by what I saw in people and turned from the whole thing for many years. But God is persistent and very patient. I have found a whole list of new resources, books, websites, people, Christians who really walked the walk, and of course the bible that have allowed me to more fully and correctly understand who Jesus really is.

  5. Jane, thanks for following me! I know what you mean about trying harder, but one thing I'm learning is to be more accepting and patient with myself too. When we do anything from a place of acceptance and peace the rest comes easier. :)

  6. Another really hopeful and insightful post Deborah! Speaks to me as I am also a teensy tiny bit of a control freak...;) I think your other commenters summed up quite nicely what I feel as well.:)

    Have a wonderful day!