There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Lent Day Thirty Three - Amazing Grace

When I started my blog in January and named it Deb’s Midlife Crisis, it truly was because I felt like I was in a crisis.  I was in a state of despair.  I took stock of my life and decided I did not have what I wanted.  I questioned everything, including my marriage.  So I went in search of answers. 

I started my search by giving up drinking, knowing that if I was going to make any major life decisions I needed a clear head to do it.  Then, I intensified my search for God.  Dissatisfied with my home church I went looking for a church that would meet my needs.  I enjoyed being the new kid on the block.  Everything looked perfect from that perspective.  There were no issues, just praise and worship.  From my position as a newcomer in the pew I didn’t have to worry about the behind the scenes drama.

Then I considered other areas of my life. When I was home and I looked around at the laundry and the messy kitchen, I secretly dreamed about moving away.  Starting over, as if in some new house in some new town, there would be no laundry or mess.  And when I watched my favorite movies, love stories like Sleepless in Seattle or Pretty Woman,  I compared them to my own 23 year marriage and secretly dreamed of feeling that “first crush”  feeling again.

But life is not a movie, and it's definitely not free from mess and drama.  I can’t run away and hide.  I will not find freedom from life’s troubles in a new marriage, a new town, a bottle of vodka, a box of Girl Scout cookies or even a new church.  So I sit here today, just a few days away from the end of Lent, and realize nothing in my life  has changed.

I live in the same house, and I still can’t keep up with the laundry,  I attend the same church, even though reading off the bulletin is a little tedious, and I’m still in the same marriage, grateful that my husband was patient enough to stand by me during my period of discontent.

But I am no longer searching, and I realize it’s because I have changed. Through the grace of God, I have changed.  Where once I was blind, now I see.  And what I see is that it is not about having what I want, but wanting what I have, even with all of the imperfections, and that has brought me peace.


  1. Those are some powerful words Deborah. I understand very well what you mean.
    I often struggle too with a feeling of discontent...the same thing you mention...I want to move, house, country, doesn't matter...I want to get away, be left alone, be NOT left alone, etc, etc.
    I realize too I spend a lot of time focusing on what I don't have when really I am so incredibly blessed in what I do have. It's a journey, this trying to be content where we are in life.

    I'm happy for you my friend.

  2. It is definitely a journey, Colleen, and a different one for each of us. I do feel a sense of peace, not that my life is perfect by any stretch, but a sense of peace in that I am no longer feeling the need to keep looking "out there" for what I think I'm missing. i have had everything I needed within me all along, I just didn't think to look there! :)

  3. I think you have done so wonderful on your journey, Deborah, and then to be open about it to talk about it in such a public forum like this. I remember my pastor saying a few weeks ago during a sermon that people often feel discontent in something, so they go searching for something better (new job, new spouse, etc) and forget that they brought themselves along with their same old problems they were dealing with, so basically you hit it on the nail you need to be content with God and content with how you stand in God's eyes or we will never know true contentment and true peace that only Jesus can bring!


  4. That was a great sentiment that your pastor shared Betty. Thanks for sharing that with me, I will remember it! :)

  5. You know, I'm closer to the beginning of your journey in my life. The similarities on the surface make me feel a sense of kismet.

    I really admire the tact that you're taking.

    Thank you for sharing this so openly.