When I started my blog in January and named it Deb’s Midlife Crisis, it truly was because I felt like I was in a crisis. I was in a state of despair. I took stock of my life and decided I did not have what I wanted. I questioned everything, including my marriage. So I went in search of answers.
I started my search by giving up drinking, knowing that if I was going to make any major life decisions I needed a clear head to do it. Then, I intensified my search for God. Dissatisfied with my home church I went looking for a church that would meet my needs. I enjoyed being the new kid on the block. Everything looked perfect from that perspective. There were no issues, just praise and worship. From my position as a newcomer in the pew I didn’t have to worry about the behind the scenes drama.
Then I considered other areas of my life. When I was home and I looked around at the laundry and the messy kitchen, I secretly dreamed about moving away. Starting over, as if in some new house in some new town, there would be no laundry or mess. And when I watched my favorite movies, love stories like Sleepless in Seattle or Pretty Woman, I compared them to my own 23 year marriage and secretly dreamed of feeling that “first crush” feeling again.
But life is not a movie, and it's definitely not free from mess and drama. I can’t run away and hide. I will not find freedom from life’s troubles in a new marriage, a new town, a bottle of vodka, a box of Girl Scout cookies or even a new church. So I sit here today, just a few days away from the end of Lent, and realize nothing in my life has changed.
I live in the same house, and I still can’t keep up with the laundry, I attend the same church, even though reading off the bulletin is a little tedious, and I’m still in the same marriage, grateful that my husband was patient enough to stand by me during my period of discontent.
But I am no longer searching, and I realize it’s because I have changed. Through the grace of God, I have changed. Where once I was blind, now I see. And what I see is that it is not about having what I want, but wanting what I have, even with all of the imperfections, and that has brought me peace.