There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Saturday, April 30, 2011

And the Walls Came Crumbling Down

There’s a person in my life whom I call a friend.  He thinks I’m fabulous, beautiful and fun to be around.  You can see why we are friends.  But as we have become closer he has started to challenge me.  He has begun to see through my carefully crafted exterior.  The “me” I show to the world.  Not my blog me who reveals my questions, my doubts, my struggles. But the “me” I bring to Starbucks...smiling, positive, happy, outgoing, confident.

But this friend sees through my veneer and asks questions.  The kinds of questions I have been carefully avoiding for years. The ones I haven’t even shared here. The ones I have scripted answers to that I convince myself are true, but that have real answers that I keep locked away in a box somewhere deep inside of me.

He knows this about me.  Not because I told him, but because he’s basically a pain in the a** who won’t take no for an answer.  Who isn’t satisified with my carefully crafted answers. 

He’s a friend who doesn’t allow me to settle.  Who challenges me, makes me think and forces me to open the locked box and consider the truth.  But I don’t always want to face the truth.  I like my excuses and my justifications better. Then I don’t have to grow, change, improve.  I can stay where I am…content and comfortable.

The only problem is, I am not content and comfortable because avoidance doesn’t bring peace, it brings anxst.  Anxst that expresses itself in questions, doubts, struggles, like I share here.  Causing me to question if I’m really Just Livin’ Life or if I’m trying to convince myself that I am.


  1. I believe that people are in your life for a reason. I believe that we call out for what we need and the universe answers.

    If you are as crafty as I think I know that you are, the fact that this friend can get past that means you want someone to get that past that.

    I think you should let this friend do what your energy called out for his energy to do. Let him in.

  2. Annabelle, that was an incredibly insightful comment...thanks for that. I truly appreciate it. :)

  3. I've read your post twice and I'm still trying to figure out who the friend is. At first I thought hubby, but now?

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. no Mamma, not hubby, although he thinks I'm fabulous, beautiful and fun to be around too, so I can see the confusion!! :)

  6. Hmm, I know what you mean. Sometimes we meet someone who perceives more about ourselves than we do, whose honesty won't let us settle into comfortable smugness...

    I think this sort of relationship is very very rare...maybe only comes along once or twice in a lifetime.

    I know what you mean in your last paragraph as well...I think the same thing and apply it to blogging too know, am I really living what I write or just trying to convince myself and others I am?

    Great post, a bit mysterious...I like it.:)

  7. thanks colleen, yes a bit mysterious lol Stay tuned, I might share more of what I'm talking about. :)